Anger

I really need to talk about this. In all honesty , I don't seem myself headed to a Junior College. Or at least not ever if I continue down in this fashion. My friends expect me to be heading to a Junior College. I for one also probably expect myself to go down that path , maybe even exploring other options like the International Baccalaureate Program which is relatively new to the scene but seems very appealing to me. Here's the catch that everyone knows: We have to work for it. Sadly I'm a lazy prick , and I have no intention on studying , or at least , I lack the motivation to do so.
What , am I going to sit here and share my life story again , at 2:30 am in the wee hours at dusk? I had unhappy teenage years if I should say so myself , but let's not go in depth with those. I'll just go through the boring part again briefly , though I'll probably start at any point which I feel most comfortable at. This post is actually just for me to vent out my anger and to be honest I don't even want the public to read this but I thought like getting my friends to read this would serve as a platform which they can listen to my problems (and help me , per say). I also like to post these kind of stuff as a sort of self reflection. Of course that being said maybe I just desire attention. I'll go to this later.
I know that bitter feeling of failure. I know it ever so well. If you ask me how many failures I have had in my life so far , I would say I've had far too many. Still , I consider two failures so far as although may be not the biggest , but the most impactful on my life.
The first one would be the failure of my Secondary 3. Getting an underlined score never occurred to me a single time when I was in Primary School. They became so common that if I flip open my Secondary School report book right now you'll probably see the underlined digits everywhere. When I was in Secondary 1 , I found myself really unaccepted in class. I had already made myself unpopular from the first day and after a few attempts to make friends , I kind of failed. There was some faint memory of me making friends with a few guys who later started to discriminate me after I did a lot of retarded stuff due to firstly , my insecurity , and secondly , my desire for attention. My Secondary 1 class followed me up to my Secondary 2 class , and at this point I was probably still closest to my best friend Shannon from Primary School , and Qi Siang and Sean ( we nicknamed ourselves the Sworn Brothers ). Also great friends in our clique were Dinesh and Naveen , who we out of racism nicknamed the Niggers , so it became the Sworn Brothers + Niggers. ~~( or Black Slaves )~~ Anyway , I also had a few friends in school , though I wasn't actually close to them. Shannon Low , Chee Kia , Jiawei and Jia Hwee were a few of them. I was also pretty close to a guy called Ian but he was very untrustworthy as he liked to go around shooting his mouth off. The other guys , I tried to get along with but it was apparent most of my classmates disliked me and even with my so called class clique I generally did not go out with them most of the time(though I tried this). It was around this point of time where I sort of had a crush on this classmate of mine. To be honest , the girls in my class were generally nice and although we didn't talk much either , the little conversations we had in class were rather friendly and I generally felt more at home with them , which resulted in me being grouped with girls for most projects. There were also a few Christians in my class , and at that point of time in my early adolescence I had already started to be a rebel against God. I stopped attending church because my best friend in church had transferred churches so as to be able to chase a girl which he had got to know through a mutual friend. Initially , he had invited me along , but the church (Trinity Christian Church) was a charismatic church , and I was pretty much shocked by the culture there and how prayer and worship was being carried out. I had become like Jonah. When I was in my XMS LIFE , which is sort of a group for Christians in my school to meet and reinforce the word of God , or like evangelise , the leader Ee Han liked to say that Christians exude this aura around them that clearly says "I'm a Christian". I only realised this many years later but that aura exuded by these classmates of mine actually helped me overcome a few minor obstacles at that point of time as I was really very aimless and I had very bad suicidal thoughts at that point of time , even much worse than I can say now. But then again , I was more immature at that point of time , and perhaps did not know the seriousness of things. I happened to be grouped with 3 girls , two of which whom used to be classmates with another girl from my church. Out of these two , one used to be apparently very close to this church friend of mine. I still recall one of my earliest conversations with her , where she told me things that she had heard from my friend about me , and I was actually rather unhappy about it as some of the things said I found were better not known about me. But at that point of time anyway , I did not really care since I was trying to "level up" myself in a MMORPG called RuneScape. When I was in this project group with the 3 of them , I think that's when my feelings for this girl started. Of course I was able to resist them , like most guys who only go for looks. I did a few other projects together with the girl , mostly which I slacked off and the girls basically did the work. I only had put in effort in like the first few projects I had done in Sec 1 , 1 I remember being a newspaper article. I remember there was one project I did with Jiawei , her and another good friend of hers who is rather nice and we still keep in contact today. I can't actually remember what I did then but it was the first time I had met her outside school and I think I told one of the guys in the class ( I think it was either Jiawei or Gary) "I think she's rather pretty". Rumours started but since I practically slept in class then went home to play RuneScape on a daily basis it never really bothered me and I never actually cared. At the end of the year ( I was warned of retaining , I had barely scraped through the year and I was moved to the combined science class , branded the so called last class in the express cohort[which I wasn't even supposed to qualify for]) my classmates all did better than me and most went to the same classes , choosing the subjects they wanted and we all parted ways. The girl , I didn't talk to her as much , since I didn't even sit next to her anymore and like there's no reason to talk. But I think I would still say hi to her along the corridors if I ever ran into her. Gary , on the last day of school in Sec 2 , confessed to me about someone he liked in our class. I'm not even sure if he told me the truth or he was just trolling but I guess I'll never find out. He then asked me if I had ever liked any girls in the class. He then listed like the whole class list(since he was the class chairman or vicechairman or somethinglike that). Anyway , he had the list. One by one he called them out and I shook my head for every one of them. Even when her name came out I had denied it. But just before we got down the bus I told him I guess I may have had feelings for this girl. Then he laughed and said he expected it and he wouldn't tell anyone.( I hope so anyway) Sec 3 came and ended. Girls couldn't be further away from a main source of concern in my head. Still , I was troubled with my results which were ever so sure I would definitely retain that year. I had practically walked into the examination hall and fell asleep from start to end for every paper I sat for. I was depressed. I tried hardcore computer gaming to no avail. My friends even started to introduce idolatry to me in the forms of smoking , drinking , pornography and clubbing. This I all tried out in various forms or the other(just listing examples). Satisfaction you get , the feeling of high , its all temporary. I was still depressed. Good friends of mine came and talked to me. My pastors and friends from church came to talk to me. Relatives and even the family which "adopted" me came to talk to me. My "adopted" brother was one of my closest confidantes at that point of time. Very sadly , he had feelings for this friend of mine who I was rather protective about as I liked to talk to her a lot. ( Initially I thought I had liked her , but I guess not after I realised the jealousy was coming from my lack of a soulmate rather than a jealousy coming from her). So we became a bit further apart , though still quite close in terms of "family" wise. My Sec 3 second year was rather great to be honest.
In a nutshell , I made good friends , I also exposed myself to social interactions and I became less of an online hermit.
Here's where we go to the second failure or the biggest mistake I find I have made in my entire life. Girls. I really just can't seem to understand any one of them . Not even my sister or my mother. Even right now when I am typing this I probably try to avoid contact with most females as much as I can , unless I know them personally and I'll try to talk to them , and most of the girls I talk to regularly I try to because I think I can trust them , and generally I also find that girls are better listeners and they can empathise with my situation. Anyway , during my End of Year examinations , I made the horrible mistake of breaking a girl's heart. I know this sounds ridiculous , but what actually happened was that I thought a relationship would help mend my problems , and give me security , but instead I broke a girl's heart and this I know for sure because when the break happened , she was affected but I wasn't ;I went to Italy to get away from it. During the trip , I reflected again on my life and the things that were important to me and I held dear to. I never thought about the situation again. It was that insignificant to me , and for that I learnt a huge lesson. Instead , I focused on healing my wounds from the previous year , and also get some personal breathing space. I breathed in fresh mountain air literally and I could shout out all my troubles and worries. In fact , right now I wish I could be in Italy again , to scream all my troubles away. I was still using my old Android , and in Italy every now and then I could get myself on to some Wi-Fi network. I would try my best to get on Facebook to make an update , and occasionally tweet as well. I used to tweet very seldom. Anyway , it so happened that this girl ( from earlier ) was overseas as well. This , I found was interesting , as there was snow and she was also in a city which my cousin had earlier described to me a place I would "extremely love to go one day". At that point of time , I may have had some interest in her but I guess I didn't actually realise it , or I just saw her as a friend in general. After my previously failed relationship , I also made it a note to myself to try to get to know the opposite gender better. So I talked to her for a while. And when I came back from my trip , she was still overseas but she had posted interesting photos online and I went to look at them , asking her a few times about various things. This did not actually have any significance. Later on , I possibly realised myself I was interested , but I guess I tried to hold back as much as possible. It just so happened that when she came back I was up and we managed to talk for a while. It could brighten up my night if I could talk to her for just a bit. Things slowly moved uphill and just before the new year came I talked to her again , and this time she was telling me about God. It was true I had started going back to church and all that , but I had never really been interested in Christianity or be more interested in exploring a further relationship with God. I was never serious about my relationship with God in a nutshell. As of philosophical nature I was also rather interested to know why she was suddenly so "enthu" about Christianity so naturally I asked questions. In that very same night which I got to know more about God through her(indirectly) , my friends were derping around online and they had dared me to talk to girls , since I had confessed that one of my weaknesses was my unwillingness to talk to girls , and also that I had near 0 girl contacts in my phone book. I made a mental note to myself that I would get the girl's number and get to know her personally. School started , she went off my mind and I had an extremely great start to the year. It was only the first week and I was busy adjusting to my busy schedule with remedials and CCA. I had a debate competition up in two weeks time and to be honest I was rather pumped for it , since in the last time I had represented my school I had beaten two other schools with a performance I haughtily credited to myself(not really) , before being humiliated by Raffles Girls. Before that I had thought that girls could not hold a candle to guys in debating , and I was proven really wrong. Though they won , they were still rather humble about it and we became great acquaintances. I was looking forward to seeing them again. I had scheduled training and so did Mr Tang had scheduled Chinese Remedial Lessons on Saturdays. So I went to the back of the staff room to look for him and explain that I was not available that Saturday. Much to my astonishment , when I turned around , I saw that same girl on the other block , and it just so happened that she was looking in my direction at the same time. IT WAS ALMOST LIKE AS IF IT WAS A MOVIE. So I said hi and being my awkward self I probably said a few lines before running away. Luckily for me I got to talk to her again that night and we arranged to meet a few other guys to play basketball the next day. I came up with some feeble excuse to get her number ( I later realised I already had her number written down somewhere in my notebook , but that was far later ). At this time , though a few moments had seemed really perfect , and I even started to question my feelings for her again , I just decided to be normal friends and since I was trying to get to know girls , (and also earlier I had wanted to know her better) I decided to text her. After we met and played basketball and went home I still continued to text her , and slowly from there I started to talk to her a lot. I was probably still seeing her as a friend and I'm sure she was too , but slowly I started talking to her about more personal things , like I would to a normal friend. I was also getting to know her a lot better and I felt really comfortable talking to her.But then again , firstly this was my first time talking to a girl other than my ex who to be honest I wasn't personal with.(no pun intended) It was also the first time I had legitly asked a girl for her number instead of fishing it out from Facebook( I couldn't find it) and also the first time I spent huge durations talking to a certain someone. Even Shannon and I had straightforward messages. We saved huge conversations for face to face. Back to another serious problem for me. Even as friends , we were just texting each other , and I always initiated the conversations. We never saw each other face to face , and I had never made a single call to her. I tried once , and failed.( she didn't pick up ) I decided that if I wanted to know her better (still as a friend now mind you) I would have to see her face to face , so I brainstormed for ideas how to see her without asking her help. The most unlikely helper in the form of Eugene Sim suggested that I join her activities. But there was no way I could join in ANY of her activities. She mostly went out with her friends during the post-O Level Results period and other than that she came to school a few times which I didn't have the chance to run into her and her outside dancing classes which she told me about. Now firstly there was no way I could join her dancing since firstly , I was never interested in dance( although now a lot of guys are doing it and changing my mindset about it wholly ) and secondly I think her classes were only for girls. Anyway that never even crossed my mind once , so I started thinking of other avenues. I couldn't think of any. Then it happened. I was just casually talking to her one night about the Bible and all that , then I expressed interest in her church and then suddenly her phone got hijacked by a bunch of people - some I knew but were never close and other , totally random strangers. In a weird turn of events I got invited to the church and after I told the same guy Eugene about this he self declared himself a genius. I was pretty excited to get to see her to be honest , and maybe at that point of time I didn't really know why as well. Since we were just friends ,I wanted to minimise the chance of things becoming awkward , so Charin(one of the cell group members and also a sec1/2 classmate of mine) said she had invited Ian(from just now , the untrustworthy guy;hes still untrustworthy , always trolling people)to go to the church. I contacted him and we arranged to go together. OBVIOUSLY I GOT PLAYED OUT BY THAT IAN TROLLER. I still decided to go anyway.I think that Saturday was one I would never forget. I will still remember it to this day , and its probably one of the reasons why I love the church I go to now and I try to attend as regularly as possible. I felt a lot of warmth , and I felt reconnected with God , it was a really unexplainable feeling. Like welcomed to the house of God and all that spiritual stuff. And obviously also I had gotten to see her. I would deny this fact until many weeks later. Things went on as normal and then my schedule got really messed up. I was also starting to be self aware that I already had feelings for her , but I wasn't sure how to put it across without hurting myself or losing a friend. So I became more careful with what I said , while still trying to talk to her. After a while this just blew up , and with her starting school and everything I guess I could already see our friendship leading to nowhere. At one point of time I even didn't see a friendship working out , and right now I wouldn't even say there's a friendship there. There were ups and downs , but slowly after a while she just started ignoring my messages. She never ignored my messages , then after a while I thought it was clear to me that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. But a part of me refused to give up , so I kept trying to talk to her. Many awkward and maybe pointless conversations later I was getting rather desperate to hold on to a friendship or whatever I saw was left of it. Then I lied. I can't remember what exactly I lied about or whether she saw through the lie but I lied about something. If I recall it wasn't anything big but I had lied so as to keep a conversation going , and also lied because I just really wanted to talk to someone and at that point of time she was always the first one to come to my mind whenever I had problems. After that incident I clearly asked her if we could still be friends , which she never replied. A bit of fruitless talks later on , I slowly gave up. I started talking about my problems to other people , half ashamed to face her , the other half just totally given up on what I felt was a special companionship or whatever I saw/felt it was. When events happened that I heard of , or just simply stalked after hearing a bit of it , most of the time I would try to act nonchalant , but deep inside I realised it really bugged me. I started talking to a lot of people for solutions , and I even drafted out a confession letter which I sent to her one night around April. SINGTEL/GOD DECIDED THAT THE MESSAGE SHOULDNT BE SENT AND MY NEWLY BOUGHT iPHONE HAD SOME ERROR SENDING THE MESSAGE WHEN I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING SO I GAVE UP THE IDEA. We had minimal interaction after that , all which I initiated , and I guess you could say I totally gave up. I guess its just what could have been , should have been , was not what it is , and is not what it is now.
It's just really sad , when you bottle up your feelings for a totally long time , you feel so helpless , you feel inferior , you don't get a sense of closure , and you're not sure how to put these feelings across.
And right now I'm just lost. Totally like a lost sheep , a lost fool. I don't know how much trust I place in Jesus Christ and I really feel that everyone is just adding pressure onto me. I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to react to it but everyday seems like I'm just running away from reality. I'm really sleepy now and tired just from having a rather heated argument with my parents so I'm going to probably end here. I really like think , why , why must all this happen , just why. Why.
Why must my life suck so much? Is it true that the grass is only greener where you water it , or will I just never be satisfied with my life and live like a depressed hollow man?
Goodnight.

Anger

Friday, October 11, 2013

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Lamentations 0

Friday, September 20, 2013

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Life.

Thursday, September 12, 2013